How do I feel about love....?
I miss the awkward kiss or that-too-long-a-hug.
The stupid laughing or misplace of hands
while grabbing blindly at shadows, in the pitch dark, half-falling out of bed.
I
miss the fumbling, mumbling, whimpering, and loud whispers. I miss the sideway
glances and sheepish-dirty smiles. The awkward sleepover or the even more awkward morning after...where
light strips away the romance, skin no longer seems appropriate to share.
Small changes hurt hearts.
Random messages break hearts; play,
shuffle, repeat. Do it all over again.
I even miss those final goodbyes, which
last too long and seem so insincere.
Was that all just a game? I feel sick.
My
new definition for falling in love: a sad weakness in humans that naturally and
uncontrollably gives-in to temptation. You have no choice, there’s no stopping
it! People splurge recklessly on love like its boxing day. The final hour
before all sales end, door are closing, but –
“MAM - I’m sorry but that was the LAST
one in your size! We have another in the soft peach colour; do you want to try
that one instead?”
“Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!”
What’s
the point of any of it? I don't even know anymore…
But
like most people, I pretend to know something (which probably counts for
nothing). Regardless….here goes…(clearing my throat)…uh, ready?
(Deep
inhalation)
I-I…I wanna try it all over again (Oh gawd, did I just say that?)
What did she say? I didn’t hear a damn
thing! SPEAK UP DEAR! What do you wanna buy?
No-no, TRY! I want to TRY to love again
you ding-a-ling!
I
want to fall in love again and again and maybe once more. To be overwhelmed by
so much love that it makes you bubble with giggles that instantly give you the hiccups.
You try and wipe off the goofy-grin now framed to your lips but it just won’t
go away, it keeps coming back and at the most inappropriate times.
Tsk – tsk- tsk …heads shake disapprovingly
but lovers smiles always linger.
Love thrills and delights.
And that scares the CRAP out of me!
Ugh, I feel sick again.
Pursing love
is like exploring an empty cave, deep and dark and quite frankly dangerous!
Where the heck is the light? I keep walking into things – OUCH my toe! Why does
love have to be so self-inflicting? Who knows.
But brave I
shall be (or pretend to be). Yes! I will be brave and selfish, and jump with no
hesitation and if I belly flop? And burn on impact? Then…shit….that will hurt
but at least it will feel like something rather than nothing.
YES! Feeling something is better than
feeling nothing, right?
RIGHT!
Temporary pain for joy? Or wait – it is
the other way around?
I’m confused.
And if it blows up in my face?
Wow, I smile just thinking about it.
Oh my – oh my….
(Pause one last time to really think Lauren)
Yeah, why not try love again?
Besides…how many times could I really
get it wrong?
(Those will be my famous last words...but shhhh - it's our secret!!!)
