What I Think About Love...

How do I feel about love....?

I miss the awkward kiss or that-too-long-a-hug.

The stupid laughing or misplace of hands while grabbing blindly at shadows, in the pitch dark, half-falling out of bed.

I miss the fumbling, mumbling, whimpering, and loud whispers. I miss the sideway glances and sheepish-dirty smiles. The awkward sleepover or the even more awkward morning after...where light strips away the romance, skin no longer seems appropriate to share.

Small changes hurt hearts.

Random messages break hearts; play, shuffle, repeat. Do it all over again.

I even miss those final goodbyes, which last too long and seem so insincere.

Was that all just a game? I feel sick.

My new definition for falling in love: a sad weakness in humans that naturally and uncontrollably gives-in to temptation. You have no choice, there’s no stopping it! People splurge recklessly on love like its boxing day. The final hour before all sales end, door are closing, but –

“MAM - I’m sorry but that was the LAST one in your size! We have another in the soft peach colour; do you want to try that one instead?”

“Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!”

What’s the point of any of it? I don't even know anymore…

But like most people, I pretend to know something (which probably counts for nothing). Regardless….here goes…(clearing my throat)…uh, ready?

(Deep inhalation)

I-I…I wanna try it all over again (Oh gawd, did I just say that?)

What did she say? I didn’t hear a damn thing! SPEAK UP DEAR! What do you wanna buy?

No-no, TRY! I want to TRY to love again you ding-a-ling!

I want to fall in love again and again and maybe once more. To be overwhelmed by so much love that it makes you bubble with giggles that instantly give you the hiccups. You try and wipe off the goofy-grin now framed to your lips but it just won’t go away, it keeps coming back and at the most inappropriate times.

Tsk – tsk- tsk …heads shake disapprovingly but lovers smiles always linger.

Love thrills and delights.

And that scares the CRAP out of me!

Ugh, I feel sick again.

Pursing love is like exploring an empty cave, deep and dark and quite frankly dangerous! Where the heck is the light? I keep walking into things – OUCH my toe! Why does love have to be so self-inflicting? Who knows.

But brave I shall be (or pretend to be). Yes! I will be brave and selfish, and jump with no hesitation and if I belly flop? And burn on impact? Then…shit….that will hurt but at least it will feel like something rather than nothing.

YES! Feeling something is better than feeling nothing, right?

RIGHT!

Temporary pain for joy? Or wait – it is the other way around?

I’m confused.

And if it blows up in my face?

Wow, I smile just thinking about it.

Oh my – oh my….

(Pause one last time to really think Lauren)

Yeah, why not try love again?

Besides…how many times could I really get it wrong?

(Those will be my famous last words...but shhhh - it's our secret!!!)